Why Hibachi Restaurants Like To Torture Me

So I went to this hibachi restaurant called Inatome today. I've been there before and to other hibachis (I don't live under a rock) but for me and my friends, a night of fine dining usually consists of McDonald's and some candy bought at Rite Aid. But today we decided that we were sick of the usual fast food that is slowly but surely killing us. (Like that stops us from eating there almost every day) So TJ comes up with the brilliant idea (he doesn't get these often) to go to Inatome which is actually one of the most delicious hibachi places I've ever been to. SUCK IT, BENIHANA! Now, for those who have not been to a hibachi restaurant, depending on which dinner you order, they cook a general set of vegetables and rice to go along with your order. This includes some zucchini, onions, broccoli, salad with kick-ass ginger dressing, soup, and the dreaded... mushrooms. For most people (AKA normal people) this would be fine. However, I am not most and certainly not normal. I have a huge, some say irrational, I say totally justified fear of mushrooms. Actually, mushrooms, mold, fungus, and anything of the same sort. They scare the living shit out of me and I have actually cried just being in the presence of them before. So for today

Reasons Why Mushrooms Suck

1) They're disgusting. Just look at them. (Generally I would post a picture of one here but you understand why I can't do that) They're all fungus-y and their texture reminds me of something akin to shark skin. Do sharks have skin? I mean, it doesn't look like scales you would normally find on a fish but I can't really confirm that it is actually skin. Well, whatever it is, mushrooms look like they're made of it.

2) IT'S MOLD!!!!!! Come on, people, you can't be that naive as to think it's perfectly okay to just eat mold. That shit is toxic and nasty and who's genius idea was it to pick fungus out of the ground and think "Oh, well this looks like it tastes delicious?"!!!

3) They grow spores. Okay? Mushrooms grow spores. AKA you eat that shit and then it gets inside your stomach and GROWS INSIDE YOU! I know that when you're little you think that watermelon seeds grow in your stomach and, ha ha ha, it's a cute story for little kids but we all know that can't happen. However, what does mold thrive on? DARKNESS AND MOISTNESS. Sounds pretty damn close to a stomach to me!

That's a real picture, by the way. I found it on the National Geographic website.

4) Finally, and probably the most reasonable of all my reasons to hate mushrooms, what happens when things die? They decompose. What happens when said things are decomposing? MOLD FORMS! Mold is the only thing in the whole world (or that I can think of right now) that actually makes its living being a dead-thing-creepy-sucker. So when the world eventually ends because all of the dinosaurs that are actually living underneath the earth finally come back up and wreak havoc on us all, what's going to be left there on our cold, lifeless bodies? MUSHROOMS, MOLD, AND FUNGUS!!!

My friends say I'm crazy. I think I'm just being cautious. I've got my eye on you, fungi.





A mushroom walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hey, could I get a beer, please?"
The bartender looks at him, shaking his head, and says "No, we don't serve food here"
The mushroom says "Why not? I'm a Fungi!"

The one and only time I appreciate fungus.